I’m done being pregnant now.
On so many levels both physical and psychological.
And the guilt is overwhelming me, but not to the extent that i don’t sit wishing my body would just propel me into early labor so this can be over.
While I was in the outpatients waiting room on Friday I overhead someone talking about a problem with they heart, saying that after six weeks of it getting progressively worse their medication was being doubled and they were being booked in for cardioversion to correct it. I am allowed neither. I can’t take my heart medication nor am I able to have the cardioversion my cardiologist says I need. Because I’m pregnant.
My pelvis, hips and spine keep crunching, audibly. Even my mother was shocked when she heard it. Both my midwife and my doctor are concerned. But the only way to stop exerting extra pressure and prevent further damage is to no longer be pregnant.
I bitch and moan constantly but I am in so much pain. I can’t walk any distance because my ligaments continue to soften to try and get my pelvis to open, which its unable to do. I don’t sleep because everytime I move something hurts and wakes me up and I’m being shitty with Dylan because he’s frustrated that I can’t play with him properly.
I think I’d cope psychologically if I could cope physically. But the constant pain is driving me insane. I’m not handling my anxiety and my body changing is starting to make my skin crawl.
I’m just done. I don’t want to do it anymore. Every week I double and triple check the survival rate of if she were to come now to ease my guilt. And the thing is I know she’s better off staying put, the longer she stays where she is the better for her. But on the other hand if I weren’t pregnant and my body were in this state I’d be in and out of hospital being treated. I wouldn’t be allowed to let things get worse and worse as I have done for months.
Five weeks is nothing really. But it seems like forever.
When I had my scan on Thursday they found I had an increased amount of amniotic fluid.
From what they told me it isn’t actually too far above the normal range (8-20cm) at 21.7cm but what worries them is the amount I seem to have gained since 28 weeks.
From what I can gather around 30 weeks I should have stopped gaining fluid and by now it should have started to decrease. Instead I’ve gone from 13.7cm to 21.7cm.
I was given a leaflet explaining the potential causes and dangers of increases of excess fluid.
They range from simple things like early labor to stunted growth, skeletal damage and respiratory and digestive problems.
The general midwives in FAU weren’t particularly concerned, it was enough for them that I have a scan at 36 weeks and they booked me in for a glucose test.
I learned last time however that i shouldn’t assume because general midwives are happy that mine would be so I rang my midwife.
She’s not so convinced everything’s fine, or so straight forward. I’ve been booked for a full blood screening to test my levels of pretty much everything. I something test to do with my bones and one for my heart and an extra scan at some time around 34 weeks.
I’m trying not to assume or worry too much. I know the extra dangers of early labor because there’s less room to accommodate fluid in my abdomen. The same goes for restricting Islas growth, as I can’t stretch to accommodate extra. Then the concerns of the extra pressure excess fluid will put on my pelvis and internal organs etc..
The most common cause of this is gestational diabetes so I had a glucose tolerance test yesterday.
That drink is VILE.
Then I passed out when the second set of bloods were taken. Forever a drama queen I guess.
I get the results on Monday and then we’ll go from there in terms of arranging dates for tests and scans.
I’ve only got to make it through five more weeks.
Yes and no. It bothers me more from. Physical standpoint because its a constant reminder of the damage I’ve done to myself and a visual reminder of all the complications I have to deal with. In many ways it would be far more comfortable to have a proper bump because the weight would be distributed better and my organs would be compressed.
I try to balance the negativity by thinking that I’m less likely to get stretch marks or loose skin post pregnancy. But in honestly that doesn’t make up for the negatives.
I sometimes wish I had a bump so people didn’t feel so compelled to stare or touch me to validate my pregnancy.. That’s awkward and I don’t like it.
This week, Baby is the size of a: squash.. Her official weight estimate according to the scan is 4lb1oz
How far along?: 32 weeks
Due date: 8th August 2013
Total weight gain/loss: nothing. Still at 111lbs.
Maternity clothes?: none
Sleep: awful. I can’t breathe and I’m in pain so I keep waking up.
Best moment this week: my 4D scan was technically last week pregnancy wise but it was pretty amazing.
Movement: tons but she’s stopped doing flips. She’s been in the same position for over a week.
Food cravings: kiwis.
Food aversions: absolutely everything. I have no appetite and everything makes me feel like hell. Except kiwis and toast.
Symptoms: sickness, heart burn, acid reflux, fatigue, ligament pain, palpitations, back ache, chest pain, fire crotch, dizziness, bad skin, growing boobs and increased anxiety.
Labor Signs: braxton hicks and normal contractions.
Belly Button in or out?: flat
Feeling toward Pregnancy: I’ve had enough. It’s starting to become a struggle to get through every day.
What I miss: being able to sleep on my stomach. And probably more seriously having the psychological stress of managing an eating disorder and pregnancy at the same time being over.
What I am looking forward to: getting her out.
Yes.. I took loads of photos but then realised it was pointless because I keep buying more so I’m going to do it again when I’ve finished buying stuff.
I’ve half packed it, I just need to put the rest in a bag but its all sorted.
I was planning on doing a post/video about it as well at some point..
I have two bags, one is my changing bag and then I need to find one for my stuff.
In the changing bag I have:
- 10 newborn nappies
- 6 sets of breast pads
- 2 muslins
- 2 tiny baby vests
- 2 pairs of tiny baby socks
- a hat
- an all in one
- a cardigan
- a blanket
Then for myself I have
- 3 pairs of plain underwear
- 2 nursing bras
- 1 nursing vest
- pj shorts
- bikini (wishful thinking that they won’t insist on constant monitoring so I can use the bath this time)
- an old button down mens shirt
- belly bandit
- phone charger
- maternity pads
- maternity notes (to add)
- orange juice (to add)
Then of course I’ll have her carseat.
I just read it and I’m genuinely moved to tears. Thank you so much x
Firstly and most importantly thank you.
But honestly I don’t feel like I should be commended for THAT story as its a massively warped and distorted version of my life that bares little resemblance to my real ‘story’ as it were.
Not as of yet. Closer do have a website that to my knowledge they update with their weekly stories but mine isn’t up and I’m not sure if it will be.
I’ll check periodically and give you a link if it ever does go up x